I was talking to some people at work today about how I used to write for the DO and about how I wrote a few columns for the paper. I pulled a couple of them up and read them again and dammit I make myself laugh. It had been a few years since I read these. I thought I'd share one. If nothing else, this post will bump the "FUCK YOU INTERNET EXPLORER" post off my iGoogle RSS feed once and for all. That is unless IE pisses Jon off again to the point he feels the need to curse software. Enjoy!
ONLINE GIRLFRIENDS ARE BETTER
You might think that online girlfriends are reserved for white trash men who drive El Caminos. Computer science majors in college, perhaps. Well I am here to dispel that evil rumor. The truth is, online girlfriends are far superior to real girlfriends in many ways. It all comes down to one simple elucidation: Wreak the benefits of a girlfriend without dealing with the negatives. In essence, it’s the perfect marriage between want and not needed.
The most obvious benefit to an online girlfriend is the revolutionized sexual encounters. If you are like me, sex with a real girlfriend is very much like a game of one-on-one freeze tag; she is frozen in place in an awkward lunge like position while you run around until you’re too exhausted to continue. Then you swap. With the somewhat impersonal exchange over a computer, you will find that a girl’s inhibition will be severely narrowed. This will allow her to say the things you’ve always wanted a girl to say to you. You’d be surprised with the kind of immoral and foul things girls will think of and type, but not say. Masturbation is a very adequate substitute to sex, and after you’re done, you can just pull up your boxer shorts and go to bed without the worry of leaving a fuck stain on the sheets. Who’s going to yell at you in the morning?
Chances are your online girlfriend is fat and disfigured. Attractive hard bodies don’t sit around at 11:30 on a Friday night checking the away messages of her friends. No, she’s out getting date raped at the local college bar. What you need is the kind of girl that is going to be there when you need her; the kind of girl whose idea of a fun weekend night is baking cookies and watching Sixteen Candles or (insert any cheesy 80’s movie here) with her other fat, loser friends. When you talk to her, she’ll be happy to spend the time with you, but you won’t have to put up with the nagging, monotonous banter that you do with a real girl. If things get too boring you simply say your computer is acting up and you sign off. No hard feelings; none on your end at least.
This, however, is assuming you are lucky enough to find that needle in a haystack and actually talk to a girl. Chances are, you’re talking to a man. Most likely a man very much like you, such that if you were to meet him in real life, you two would probably end up becoming very good friends. But, as fate would have it, you met this way which isn’t all bad. As far as men disguising themselves as women, the outlook you should have is one of indifference as long as they talk dirty and make themselves sound attractive. Other than that, it is beyond the male brain to be able to distinguish a man and a woman based on words alone. You might think I’m wrong but I’ve conducted many tests and have put myself through rigorous research experiments and have found that you never knew I was a man.
Sure, you lose the intimacy and the pillow talk, but you don’t have to put up with her dad always threatening you with violence. You don’t have to put up with annoying restraining orders and police ordinances. You can have more time to yourself and do the things you want to do without having to worry about someone else’s feelings. And no matter what they say, no man ever wants to put up with a woman’s feelings; unless he’s really horny.