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The best a man can get.... in the Army

I’ve been using the Gillette Power razor, the battery-powered one, for a few months now, and I’m still unable to make a claim about its efficacy. I guess I can’t really say whether or not it has produced better results than the Mach 3 Turbo, my previous razor. But I can’t really say if the Turbo worked any better than the original Mach 3. This leads me to ask why I keep spending a couple of extra dollars on the latest iterations of the Mach 3 if I don’t observe any marginal return. My unrelenting devotion to Gillette products is worrisome because I like to think I’m immune to any sort of marketing/advertising – the only logical explanation I can think of is that I have been poisoned by some sort of hallucinogen that was absorbed into my skin upon my initial use of each new razor. Spending a few extra dollars here and there and being poisoned is no big deal to me, but I think this is but an intermediate step in Gillette’s grand scheme. I’m not sure what immediately lies ahead, but I can see Gillette’s plot culminating in my becoming stricken with an overwhelming desire to use their razors on my head and to eventually enlist in the United States Army. Does anyone else recall having received both a selective service card and a Gillette razor when reaching 18 years of age? Just a little association to complement the hallucinogen. You may be wondering why Gillette’s plan has taken so long to reach fruition – I’m guessing that the drug works differently on each individual, and that my abnormally high levels of midi-chlorians have been fighting off the drug for as long as possible. But I can see myself succumbing to this nefarious scheme when I hit 27, the age at which I plan to reach the peak of my physical condition. How convenient for our country.
I will next look into the composition of Proctor and Gamble’s (which is set to complete a purchase of Gillette) Board of Directors to determine whether there are any members with connections to the Pentagon. And if given access to their financials, I wouldn’t be surprised to uncover some Government subsidies being disguised as revenues.