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MY ASS HAS A HOLE IN IT

excerpt from an email that I sent to my friend Lindsay this morning.....and I quote...

I was running late this morning...left my apartment at about 8:45, I made halfway to the subway and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I was wearing a white button down, spread collar, Thomas Pink shirt with light gray outlined checkers and black wool trousers by D&G. Leather, split-toe lace ups and a black wool overcoat. I got to work around 9:10 and sat down on my chair - which had a push pin on it ....apparently. "Look Before you Leap." Well I sat down and the pin didn't pierce my pants and make me jump, but it did tear a 4 inch slit in them right below my arse - not that I noticed. So I got up and went to get coffee when our executive assistant pointed out that I "had something on my pants." I went into the men's room to find that I was successfully advertising for boxer briefs.

So when I got your email about Interpol, I was in the changing room at Banana Republic feeling pretty stupid - "Actually, I think I'll wear them out - look at my ass for Christ's sake." "Haha." "Yeah, funny."

Now I'm back at the office, maybe the day will get better.

Prison Bitch?

Oh my god I almost went to jail today. First full day back in Arizona and I am breaking the law. There was this big accident on the interstate and I was trying to merge to go north (where the accident was), but all traffic apparently was going South. I was behind this huge truck and couldn't see around it, or what was going on northbound, so I, at the last minute, went left, apparently through a traffic cone area set up by a police car, which was also hidden from me by this huge stupid truck.

So, about 40 feet ahead of me, it was deadlock traffic, and I see this policeman radioing in something behind me, then getting into his car and speeding towards me with his front door half way open. He gets out, points at me and yells, "Back your car up with me, you're going to jail." Direct quote. So, I'm like, uhh.....what? Jail? That can't be good. So I tell him I couldn't see anything and the traffic cones weren't blocking the entrance ramp at all, so I thought it was open. He didnt' buy that, and yelled again, "Back your car up with me, you're going to jail." So, I do that.

So I finally convince him that I was telling the truth about not being to see anything and I play up the "i'm from virginia, officer, i'm not familiar with your interstates" routine. He seems to buy it, or something, but I end up getting a citation for going through a police baracade ( a little exagerated citation I think). He asked if i was on drugs or if I'd been drinking. I was like, it's 11 am officer.

So, after all that, I have to go traffic school. Ha. How about that? Amazing. I was getting ready for my mugshut and handcuffs and everything. At least I was wearing a sweet t shirt at the time.

Blogging about Blogging and Not Blogging

So my roommate was all excited about starting a blog because I told him that I post to one that no one reads. I gladly rattled off the name of some blogging software and wished him luck, but he didn’t allow me to disengage so easily. He wanted us to have a joint-blog; I obliged half-heartedly and so he pursued it further. His aunt and uncle have a blog and they offered to let him use this fruity content management software called “mindessence.” That marked the birth of Life on a Chain; an eponym of the great Pete Yorn song. It would have been sweet if I had made up that name instead of simply lifting it from established pop-culture, but whatever.
I don’t mind being part of another blog, but if you take a quick tour of Life on a Chain it seems like we are gay couple: “Andrew and Sam,” “mindeessence,” the fruity purple background color; all very gay.
Our using the word “awesome” so many times seems like a last-ditch effort to preserve heterosexual tendencies that were never really apparent in the first place.
Anyway, it’s something else for me not to post to and something else for you not to read.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

The following was emailed to me.

"why hasn't anyone posted anything on criticallyinsane lately? what the fuck! i want something good to read. is it that much trouble for the three or four of you to come up with some funny shit, or what? if not, at least put Lindsey back up so i can watch her shake her ass, or start making fun of each other again, i always liked that. not trying to bitch, just trying to help.

sincerely,
disappointed fan"

ryu post hadoken

Sick family, boy also sick.

I just read an article on the Washington Post (here if you have an account). For those without WP accounts, the article essentially says that a family made an auction on eBay to gather donations for their son who needs a biopsy to scan and possibly operate on a tumor in his head. eBay closed their auction because it represented a number of violations and they sent a letter to the family explaining what they would have to do to bring the auction up to code. The family started a new auction ostensibly for a bumper-sticker, which conforms to eBay's rules, and of course you also get the peace of mind of having helped a boy with cancer (though probably not the tax write-off). In the article the family called eBay's actions "heartless" and "rotten".

I composed this to the family of the boy with cancer:

I just read the article in the Washington Post and was honestly offended by your complaints about eBay. They have done everything in their power to basically facilitate your begging and you have the nerve to call them 'rotten'? It is in very poor taste for you to treat ebay this way after they have gone out of their way to help you out. They are a HUGE business and many of their customers make their living by using eBay. By comprimising the business rules they operate by they would be putting at risk the livlihoods of not just one sick boy but HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of people. I certainly sympathize with you as I have lost someone close to me to cancer and I understand your feelings but I think it would behoove you to examine the situation from a broader perspective and re-evaluate exactly who is being rotten.

eBay can be a continuing source of revenue for the family, they can endlessly produce bumper-stickers and put them up for auctions as fronts for donations for their son's medical needs as long as people keep giving them money, so one closed auction isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. And just imagine if everyone who needed money did this? You would have this weird pseudo-communism with a greater distribution of wealth among the stupid but the super-rich elite would probably remain the same.

Marco said, "i dont think ebay is a mechanism for getting charity...but uh, keep in mind their son has a tumor in his skull jon"

So what does anyone else think, I probably shouldn't actually send that letter huh? I guess I should just be satisfied that I was able to squeeze a blong entry out of it

"Across 110th Street.....

Pimps trying to catch a woman that's weak
Across 110th Street,
Pushers won't let the junkie go free.”

These are lines from 70s soul crooner Bobby Womack’s “Across 110th Street,” a lyrical depiction of a grim Harlem neighborhood. While Merrifield, Va. is no Harlem, it does have its share of machete-wielding youths who severed the fingers of a young-man late Monday Night at the local movie theatre. Yes, machete. Suffice it to say, I won’t be seeing any movies over there or jogging by the there to get to the gym as I did this past summer. I think I will, however, purchase a gun.