go...

basically friday

I think Wolverine is the most badass comic book hero ever

What’s the haps on the craps

So my company Holiday Party was this past Saturday Night, and it was cool. There was a martini bar, an open bar, a chocolate fondue waterfall, a raw bar, a bountiful buffet, and most importantly, gambling with fake money. Everyone got a $200 voucher for chips when they walked in the door; I just happened to grab an extra when I went back and asked for one for my fictional date. The gambling was awesome, but I also did some other stuff before losing all my money.

I mingled for a bit and even tried a dirty martini w/ gin – it was gross. It took about 3 sips for me to realize that this was the most disgusting thing I had tasted in my life and that I needed a rum and coke. Mingling/people-watching/downing as many drinks as possible went as well as it could have, and then they opened up the doors and let us into the main ballroom so we could sit down and grub. The food was pretty good; I gorged myself on crab-cakes, round-roast, shrimp, oysters, sashimi and more drinks. As I had just finished my second plate, the higher-ups started giving out gag awards that were intended to draw a laugh at the winners’ expense. I didn’t laugh at their weak attempt at corporate humor, but instead got another and drink and decided that the time was right to hit the faux casino. I started off at a $5 black-jack table and quickly turned my $200 into $0. It could be argued that my gambling prowess moved inversely with my sobriety level, but I just think that the table was colder than the bitch in that Foreigner song, and therefore, colder than ice. It was a good thing that I left that table because the max bet was only $100 and it would have taken me hours to accumulate the cash needed to win one of the prizes awarded to the top 3 high-rollers: DVD recorder for first and iPod Minis for second and third.

I wanted to take some time to gather myself and get more drinks before I cashed in my second voucher, but I didn’t (gather myself or cash-in) as my buddy was leaving and left me with about $175 in chips. The craps table looked intimidating so I waited for a seat to open at another black-jack table. I got on another table, got on a roll and slowly but surely turned my $175 into $700. This was cool and all, but it was doing little to aid me in my quest for an Ipod so I up and left after a while. Pockets bulging with chips, I walked over to the craps table and got a quick how-to from a co-worker. Nothing really registered, but I kept staring at the table and about 10 minutes later I had one of those eureka moments. I only understood about 75% of the game at that point in time, but that was enough for me to understand how I was about to lose all $700 and the $200 that I hadn’t cashed in yet.

I never got to roll the dice, but the anticipation of seeing what would be rolled was probably as exciting as actually blowing on the dice and yelling something clichéd like “daddy needs a new-pair of shoes!” before you rolled.

The Midnight deadline was fast approaching and since there were many people with more chips than me, I decided to really press my luck. I was putting down 100s on snake-eyes (pays 30 to 1) and 50s on hard-8s and hard-6s – just combinations of really stupid shit. The casino attendant dude even told me that I was an idiot, but I wanted that iPod, dammit. A bunch of us even pooled our resources and decided that we would do a drawing if we ended up winning. We cashed out with a few thousand, but that wasn’t enough to place us in the top 3. The night had ended.

I grabbed my coat and headed to the metro alone and empty-handed, but still drunk.

I may, in the not so distant future, obtain pictures of this event.

The Masochist Contest Update

Well, it looks like those fat asses on the international space station could stand to be eating a little less themselves. Meanwhile I have made an astonishing comeback over the last week to lose 3 pounds and currently stand at 154, one pound less than my starting weight. Bayes meanwhile has continued his slow and steady progress and is weighing in three pounds lighter than his initial quantum. He may be doing three times better than me but I have shown the kind of dramatic irregularity which could mean victory for me but more importantly, defeat for my enemies.
Kelly has also very sensually insinuated her way into the contest and she has sworn to outdo us all in the upcoming week.

The Rogue's Gallery

The Masochists pt. 2

Here's an update on our bet to see who can do the most damage to their bodies by Christmas.

Bayes: yeah i'm not doing too well in that bet
Bayes: how much have you lost
Bayes: i may have lost a pound
Jon: how do you lose 60 pounds for a role
Jon: and then the next role you play is Batman
Bayes: i don't know man
Bayes: he probably played batman first
Jon: ive gained 2
Bayes: you are losing you fact fuck

To answer any speculation about what kind of diet he had to go on for the role, Christian Bale answered, "no diet, just didn't eat." According to inside sources (Marco) his basic intake all day was an apple and a can of tuna fish.
Anyway, at this rate i'm going to just have to head-butt the front fender of a kinetic 1969 Pontiac GTO to beat Bayes.
Another side-bet we made is that I think Christian Bale had to put all that weight back on again to play Batman, whereas Bayes thinks that he played Batman first and it's only coming out after because they are spending more time in post-production for special effects.

Poritics

Bayes: but the one main thing i can decipher from the stupid world of politics is
Bayes: people on the left spend half their time trying to convert others to what they believe
Bayes: and that is what pisses me off more than anything
Bayes: people on the right just do their own thing
Bayes: and then show up to vote
Bayes: so i will most likely always vote republican
Jon: i think blaming Bush for the religious right is an exaggeration of his mind control powers
Bayes: because i don't like being told what to do by a fucking hippy wearing a peace sign on their ass
Jon: and his insidious agenda
Bayes: well, he is religious, but it's a political move on his part
Bayes: it's not like the religious right is going to vote left
Bayes: but they give a lot of money to his campaign so he's not gonna say, hey, idiots, ever heard of science?
Jon: HAHAHA

Insomnia

Insomnia is definitely not as fun and exciting as Dave Attell makes it out to be. I didn't get to meet any weird people or drink beer all night or see any boobies. I certainly didn't get to experience the best of any city. And worst of all, it wasn't over after a half an hour. Last night was the longest night I have experienced in years. I was pretty tired last night after a long night of drinking and being passed out on Saturday night followed by another night of very little sleep Sunday night... not that I'm complaining. I just thought, "I'll go to bed early tonight and catch up." So I was in bed and asleep by about 10:00 last night. At 11:30 I woke up as I sometimes do for unexplained reasons. Maybe it was Michelson who woke me up by trying to get me to play with her while I slept. Whatever the reason, I was then wide awake. And I could not fall asleep again. It's interesting the things one thinks about at two in the morning while laying in bed staring at the clock. Personally, I was thinking about recent events alot; about math; about the GMAT and about how foolish I feel having to study high school math so hard. At one point, when I was utterly mad (this was at about 4:00am), I thought I was the smartest person alive. I was rationalizing almost anything. I proved to myself, beyond a reasonable doubt that the accuracy to which one determines the circumference of a circle depends heavily on the pull of the moons gravity. I reasoned it out so that it makes sense to any ninth grader. I contemplated writing it down, but I didn’t, for fear of going beyond the cusp of being able to get back to sleep. At this point, I was still convinced that I would be able to get to sleep and salvage a few more hours of rest. I didn’t realize how foolish I was. It wasn't until about 4:30 this morning that I finally just gave up on sleep and officially got out of bed. This was after I had watched a movie while trying to sleep on the couch (a change of venue does no good); after I drank warm milk; after I took resin hits; after I tried to fill my stomach with as many aspirin as I had left in the bottle. Note to self: 400mg of aspirin does nothing except maybe relieve a headache I didn't know I had. Once I was out of bed I took a shower, did some laundry and watched an infomercial or two. (I can't wait until I get my Showtime Rotisserie and Bar-be-que. I got a great deal because only last night was I able to get the Deluxe Solid Flavor Injector Package at no additional charge!) I also caught a ridiculously old episode of Saved by the Bell and then spent an hour trying to learn the theme song on guitar. To no avail. Finally, the night was finally over and I got on the train to go to work. First thing I did when I got on the train? Yup, you guessed it: fell asleep. I almost missed my stop too, but luckily there was a big black woman who was yelling at some imaginary person to give her back her shoes. She woke me up, I got off the train and now I'm here at work, not quite sure if this is reality or some dream. Maybe I'll project all my wishes and inhibitions into some alternate personality who will do all my dirty deeds for me while I pretend not to realize what is happening until a climatic scene in a shitty hotel room in God knows what city... Or maybe I'll just fall asleep at my desk as per usual. Either way, I'm sure you've stopped reading by now. I've certainly stopped caring.

Ride Metro, earn 2.25% APY!!!

In a blockbuster deal, the WMATA has allowed Dutch Financial Services Company ING to pay the fare of all commuters utilizing Metro-Rail and Metro-Bus from 500 AM to 930 AM on December 16. In exchange for their dollars, about $700,000, ING will be allowed to wrap trains and buses in their signature orange-colored advertisements. I’m not sure if all of the $700,000 is earmarked for fares or if Metro will get a piece of the action. Whatever the case, this is a great deal – for me. I don’t mind being sold-out by Metro and being used as a guinea-pig for Corporate Netherlands as long as I’m getting free shit.

I’m not too sure if this is a good thing for Metro, though. A metro spokesperson says they are happy about the visibility that this will bring to the system; they are expecting a 4% increase in ridership for the morning commute. This visibility, however, may be of the negative sort. Is packing even more people on a morning train the best way to convey the merits of riding the Metro? I think this plan may backfire on them, but I don’t really care – I’m getting free shit.

I’m curious as to how they will handle the ticketing. Will you be able to ride as much as you want or will you be allowed only one trip? I think the best way to ensure order is to hand everyone a ticket that will allow them to enter and exit freely during the designated hours. I’m not too familiar with the all-day tourist day pass, but I’m guessing that it uses a similar sort of technology. Or, they could somehow develop a ticket that only allows a single ride, although I don’t know how they will prevent people from grabbing additional tickets at a different Metro stops. You would only do this if you actually needed to go to multiple locations during the hours of 500-930, but I don’t think this is the case for most people. You could go from Dunn-Loring and get out at New Carrolton, and then get back on and go to King Street just because you might be able to, but that would be stupid. Maybe WMATA and ING don't even care.

Sweet Machines: The Masochist Challenge

In honor of Patrick's Bateman's transfixing sacrifice and committment to his craft in The Machinist, Bayes and I made a bet to see which one of us can do the most damage to our bodies by Christmas. Updates to follow.

when i wasn't walking