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(In)Conspicuous Consumption

In an attempt to keep US GDP clipping along at a respectable rate, I have recently purchased some stuff -- some pretty hot stuff:

The Sports Coat. I needed something warm to wear during the Fall, and I was none too happy with the existing selection of seasonal outerwear. Nothing that I saw really meshed with my “young, suburban professional” wardrobe, and I didn’t think that my collection of fleece and track jackets would necessarily enhance my look. The Sports coat was a coup because it’s a suit jacket in its most intrinsic form, and not outerwear. I managed to stay warm without having to buy a real jacket.
Warmth isn’t the only benefit of the Sports coat. The Sports coat also provides me with both an appearance of legitimacy and an air of pretentiousness. And, when paired with a scarf, it gives me the “College Lit Professor who sleeps with his hot students” look that I have been seeking for some time now.

The T-shirt. What says “I’m an easy-going guy who likes to have a good time” more than this Team Barbados Athens 2004 T-shirt? You can’t really go wrong with a ringer T and, sometimes, when the sleeves ride up on my arms, and I’ve just done say 20 push-ups or so, I look pretty jacked. I also bought a Team Canada Athens 2004 T-shirt that is white with a red trim.

The Belt Buckle. This belt buckle is awesome because it brings much-needed attention to the general area of my dong. Let me tell you, it works like a charm with the L-iz-adies at the Club. I got this out in Utah which I think has actual Cowboys. Having bought it in Utah makes it more legitimate than if I had bought it in the District or in Tyson’s. I feel like a real live Cowpoke who’s about to take on the vast unknown of the Wild-Wild-West whenever I wear it. I realize that I’m not wearing the appropriate belt for the buckle, but I plan on getting a custom-made belt-strap here.

Lindsay Lohan - sending mixed signals

In Lindsay Lohan's new music video she makes a fantastic display of whoring herself out and then asks for us to please just leave her alone. Am I the only one who is confused.

The first half of the video she prances around in a loose-fitting blouse which to me only expresses that she has a tremendous rack. She seduces an elevator shaft security camera for awhile and then ends up in some Manhattan dance club where she promptly starts making out with a complete stranger and getting busy on the dancefloor with some anonymous revelers. It was at this time that my belief that she liked the attention became firmly rooted, as she glanced up at the "fourth wall" at least every couple of seconds to make sure we were still paying attention to her.

There was some shitty computer graphics and I took this time to actually listen to the words, discovering to my surprise that she didn't like the attention and in fact wanted to be left alone? I'm just a regular Joe, I couldn't possibly conceive her Hollywood ethics no matter how much I pondered them, but to my untrained eye there seems to be a slight disjoint between her words and her actions.

Finally at the end she manages to escape from the popping camera flashes via a daring rooftop exit. She boards her personal helicopter, but not before a startling dance number in a felt mini-skirt and thigh high stockings. Then, in the wink of an old-man's eye, she is gone, leaving us only with her digitial camera as a memory that we ever saw or harrassed her enough that she wanted to give us more.

HAIR UPDATE

Well, it's been a few weeks since I've spoken to you about my hair.

Italian (pl.) - Capelli (hair)

As in my last post, I still have a respectable/sizable mane. However, I thought I would show you what it looks like when in disguise.

Notice that the length is hidden by a potion known as “Salon Selectives Molding Putty” – You can find this at your local CVS or Rite Aid for about 3 bucks a jar. It allows one to simulate shorter hair by concealing the overall length by expanding and flattening the mop across the full surface area of the scalp.

If my head was shaped like Gabriel’s Horn, it would have finite volume but infinite surface area.

Next time we will see how the expanded afro will affect the ladies at a swanky Manhattan bar. And yes, I will be wearing that damn Bull shirt again.

stuff sucks

I combed my hair like Patrick Bateman again today. I didn't really comb it actually, morelike, molded it. You can get away with that in DC, since there arent a flurry of carbon copied stock brokers walking around in paisley ties and hand tailored suits. They all wear their hair like that. I'm also wearing running shoes, jeans, and a t-shirt that says CHRONOPHOBIA (yeah, you must be a day trader). And on the back is a diagram of a monkey walking and evolving closer to man with each step.

In other news, David Lee Roth presents a powerful argument in the endless debate Sammy v. Dave.

want to hear how much i believe in the principles of fairness

The garage downstairs (PMI Parking - nice Flash movie you douchebags) charges .75 an hour for the first 4 hours, then after that they charge 2.50 an hour. I presume they charge 75 cents an hour to compete with the parking meters outside, but why the price gouging after 4 hours? They take advantage of the people who are using their service all day because they figure it you leave your car there for 4 hours, then you will probably leave it there all day regardless of the price raise (if you are even aware of it) so they might as well get as much out of you as they can. I guess this is their right as profit-oriented shitheads, but it's also my right to fight back.

just before 4 hours were up, i went downstairs to leave, pay off my under 4 hour ticket, then drive right back around and park again so those capitalist pigs wouldn't get an extra cent from me. then i did it again, after the next 4 hours. so instead of paying $13 im going to end up paying a little less than $7.

I feel vindicated but I would like for them to know that i did it and that they are fudge packing chocolate thieves