September 20, 2004

This is my world. I bought it.

I got an XBox and this new game Fable this weekend. Fable is a pretty standard role playing game but with the notable addition that your character is constantly presented with moral dilemmas and the game tailors itself to how you respond to these situations. Within 5 minutes of turning this damned fool contraption on I was forced to decide whether I wanted to play Fable or not get kicked out by my girlfriend. Haha, just kidding, I was actually presented with the ethical decision of whether I should guard a man's house while he was away or loot it in his absence. Now keep in mind that before I even started playing this game I had decided that my in-game alter ego would either choose to ignore or fail to recognize all the basic rules of civilized social interaction. Obviously, I robbed that man blind and lied about it.

Basically everything in this game is up to your own discretion; your character can even decide what pants, hat, gloves, shirt, and boots he wears. I quickly found out that running around in your underpants is a good way to make new friends. You can also go to a barber shop and get a new haircut or beard, but once you find out that the Hulk Hogan mustache is an option, there isn't much of a choice left to make.
One thing about this game that I like is how it pretends to be surprised when, given a predicament where I have to decide whether to rat out a man cheating on his wife or keep his secret, I invariably choose to beat them both up, pick their pockets, then defile their prone bodies by urinating on them.
The game's clever artificial intelligence grows with my increasingly vile persona by giving me the ability to communicate in new and different ways based on the way I have acted in the past. Because of my singularly awful behavior, the only way I know how to interact with women is to flick them off, thrust my pelvis at them or, my favorite expression, the aptly titled 'obscene gesture'.
Everything about this game is very realistic, the graphics are top-notch except for being occasionally choppy, I assume this has something to do with loading from the disc. The realistic shadow effects are incredible, when you see the dappled sunlight coursing through the trees and making a mottled pattern on your back you will probably do what I did, which was to smash someone else's personal property then stand there with my hands on my hips laughing a manly laugh and sneering at any small children walking by.
One of the most touted features of this game is how your character grows to physically reflect all the things that he has done. To test the mettle of this, I have switched to a pie only diet. I have also tried to remind myself to halt my wheezing run every few minutes to swill a couple of beers to complete my grotesque transformation into a horrible stinking freak show. I'm glad that Peter Molyneux (the abstract genius behind Fable) decided he didn't have time to add in the ability to conceive children with your optional virtual wife, because I'm pretty sure my character would have taken it upon himself to perform a couple of impromptu abortions. On a somewhat related note, my neighbors have encouraged me to not drink more than 3 or 4 beers at a time, I guess they don't want me reliving that hour long whisky fueled berserker rage I flew into last night in the Hero's Guild. I killed 52 innocent civilians and guards and racked up over 100,000 dollars in fines for myself, stopping only to double over and vomit then frisk the slain for pies. It's going to be hard for them to collect the ludicrous fines they have assessed, though, because I tend to quickly squander all my money in one of the game's many gambling dens as soon as it comes into my filthy hands.

I was able to wrench myself away from Fable for a few hours to hang out with Tommy, Charles and Catherine at their awesome, relatively new apartment in the district. We walked over to some bar where we stuck around just long enough to realize we were never going to hear the songs Aaron put on the jukebox. On the walk over there Aaron proposed making a CD of attempted socially conscious ballads by 80s metal bands that ended up just being ignorant and possibly offensive - he got as far as suggesting Winds of Change by the Scorpions, Cherokee by Europe and 18 and Life by Skid Row... he mentioned another one but I forgot what it was. The bartender at DC9 looked like a cross between Frank Zappa, Ron Jeremy, and Zorro. I appealed to Charles' love of gambling in trying to get him to play the Blackjack game in Fable to win me shiny gold coins but I guess virtual Casino loses its lustre when you realize the best thing you can use that money for is to buy Leather Boots +1 to kick chickens.

When we got back to their apartment we watched a couple episodes of the Venture Bros. on their TiVo. This is the only thing that could have made me laugh more uncontrollably than my own despicable behavior in a virtual world and cry more than my own realization of how pathetic I must seem right now. Any attempt to describe The Venture Bros. would probably result in failure, so I will just say that there is a butt throw and Tommy assures me that there has been a piss joke in every episode. It's on Saturday at 8pm on Cartoon Network.




Thanks to Old Man Murray (and Seanbaby) - basically anything that was funny in this post was a ripoff of their style - also thanks to Tucker Max, that tremendous asshole, Ryan Adams for calling himself a silly twat but really he's a pretty decent guy, and Cartoon Network for bringing a ray of vaguely homo-erotic light into my life.

Posted by Jon at September 20, 2004 05:41 PM
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